Famous Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright was born in 1955. His a comedian and actor who has been performing since the late 1970s. He is best known for his stand-up comedy, which typically features a monologue, followed by a series of jokes that are unrelated to the monologue. Here are the most famous Steven Wright Quotes.

steven wright quotes

84 Steven Wright Quotes

  1. “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

2. “When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

3. “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

4. “It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.”

5. “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

6. “I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”

7. “Change is inevitable, except for vending machines.”

8. “I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.”

9. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”

10. “I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”

famous steven wright quotes

Famous Steven Wright Quotes

11. “If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

12. “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

13. “The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

14. “I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.”

15. “It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

16. “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”

17. “You never know what you have until it’s gone, and I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything.”

18. “I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”

19. “I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

20. “I need one of those baby monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.”

inspiring Steven Wright Quotes

Best Steven Wright Quotes

21. “I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.”

22. “If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

23. “If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.”

24. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

25. “I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ‘I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.’”

26. “Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

27. “I’m writing a book. I’m almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.”

28. “Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”

29. “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

30. “Sometimes you can’t hear me, it’s because sometimes I’m in parentheses.”

Thought-Provoking Steven Wright Quotes

31. “I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark and flew across the room.”

32. “If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

33. “Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.”

34. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

35. “I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.”

36. “If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

37. “Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.”

38. “There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

39. “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

40. “I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.” – Steven Wright Quotes

41. “Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?”

42. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

43. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

44. “Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak? ”

45. “Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”

46. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

47. “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

48. “When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”

49. “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

50. “I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.” – Steven Wright quotes

51. “I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.”

52. “When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

53. “If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

54. “The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse who gets the cheese.”

55. “The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?”

56. “When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.”

57. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

58. “Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.”

59. “I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.”

60. “If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright quotes

61. “I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

62. “A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.”

63. “If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”

64. “Borrow money from pessimists, they don’t expect it back.”

65. “The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.”

66. “I’m so tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity.”

67. “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

68. “I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, ‘Have you got anything I’d like?’ Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ‘Extra medium.’”

69. “When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.”

70. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright quotes

71. “How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

72. “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

73. “There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

74. “I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything”

75. “I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”

76. “My dream was so strong that I made myself do what horrified me. I was a nervous wreck.”

77. “I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.”

78. “I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.”

79. “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates”.”

80. “Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.”

81. “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

82. “If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”

83. “Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.”

84. “One night, I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.”

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