Most Famous Robert Orben Quotes

37 Robert Orben quotes that will bring a smile to Your face.

Robert Orben, born on March 4, 1927, is an American professional comedy write and a magician. He has published several books on comedy, most of them are collections of jokes and “one-liners” that he initially wrote for his newsletter, Orben’s Current Comedy.

Orben has also written magic books. Later, Orben got into politics, becoming Vice President Gerald R. Ford’s chief speechwriter in 1973.

37 Robert Orben Quotes

  1. “There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.”

2. “Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.”

3. “Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.”

4. “If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.”

5. “Don’t think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.”

6. “If you can laugh together, you can work together.”

7. “There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.”

8. “Spring is God’s way of saying, ‘One more time!”

9. “Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.”

10. “Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it’s filled with wisdom. Sometimes it’s filled with feet.”

Robert Orben Quotes

11. “The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world.”

12. “Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.”

13. “Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.”

14. “Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.”

15. “What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.”

16. “Love is so confusing – you tell a girl she looks great and what’s the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!”

17. “The secret of writing comedy is to know where it’s all going, then get ahead of it.”

18. “To exercise is human; not to is divine.”

19. “A compliment is verbal sunshine.”

20. “A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that “individuality” is the key to success.”

Robert Orben Quotes

21. “Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.”

22. “Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That’s how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.”

23. “It’s amazing how important your job is when you want the day off – and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.”

24. “Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!”

25. “As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics.”

26. “To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.”

27. “My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she’s as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.”

28. “Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and profits tell us what did happen.”

29. “It’s mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You’re not paying me for a joke, You’re paying me for the right joke.”

30. There are days when it takes all you’ve got just to keep up with the losers.

Robert Orben Quotes

31. “Humor gives presidents the chance to be seen as warm, relaxed persons. Humor reaches out and puts its arm around the listener and says, ‘I am one of you, I understand,’ and implicitly it promises, ‘I will do something about your problems.”

32. “Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?“

33. “Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”

34. “I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.”

35.  “I got a Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.”

36. “Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.”

37. “We have enough people who tell it like it is – now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.”

My favorite Robert Orben quotes are, “Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.” and “If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.”

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