George Carlin Quotes On Politics, Government and Stupid People

George Carlin was a legendary comedian known for his biting wit and sharp observations about life. His quotes are as relevant today as they were when he first uttered them, and they provide a unique insight into the human condition. If you’re looking for a dose of humor and wisdom, look no further than these George Carlin quotes.

 george carlin quotes

Comedian George Carlin was born on May 12, 1937, in New York City. He died on June 22, 2008, at the age of 71. But in the time between, Carlin left an indelible mark on the comedy world.

He was known for his irreverent, often dark humor, and his routines were filled with biting social commentary. While he was never a mainstream success, Carlin found a loyal following among young people who appreciated his willingness to push boundaries.

In the 1970s, Carlin emerged as one of the most important comedians in the United States. He was a regular on Johnny Carson’s “The Tonight Show,” and his albums were popular and influential. In the years since his death, Carlin’s legacy has only grown. He is now considered one of the most important comedians of all time.

Here are some our of favorite George Carlin quotes.

104 George Carlin Quotes

  1. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

2. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

3. “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

4. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

5. “Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”

6. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

7. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

8. “Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”

9. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

10. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

 george carlin quotes religion

George Carlin Quotes About Life

11. “theism is a non-prophet organization.”

12. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

13. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

14. “When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.”

15. “Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.”

16. “When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.”

17. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

18. “The older you get, the better you realize you were.”

19. “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”

20. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

21. “With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.”

22. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

 george carlin funny quotes

Best George Carlin Quotes

23. “I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”

24. “One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.”

25. “Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

26. “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”

27. “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”

28. “When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”

29. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”

30. “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”

31. “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”

32. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”

33. “You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.”

34. “I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”

Famous George Carlin Quotes

35. “There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”

36. “A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, ‘Oh great. I’d like to see some of the things he’s done.”

37. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

38. “Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”

39. “The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.”

40. “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”

41. “I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. ”

42. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

43. “I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”

44. “I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.”

45. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

46. “If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”

Mind-Provoking George Carlin Quotes

47. “Religion is just mind control. ”

48. “The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”

49. “I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”

50. “There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.”

51. “Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.”

52. “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

53. “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”

54. “It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.”

55. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

56. “Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”

57. “And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”

58. “Sometimes a little brain damage can help.”

59. “I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.”

60. “Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

61. “A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.”

62. “Electricity is really just organized lightning”

63. “Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”

64. “Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck”

65. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

66. “I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”

67. “Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”

68. “If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.”

69. “They don’t want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they’re getting fucked!”

70. “When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”

71. “If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?”

72. “Everyone smiles in the same language.”

73. “The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

74. “Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”

75. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

76. “I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”

77. “I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.”

78. “Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.”

79. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”

80. “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”

81. “Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”

82. “If we could only find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.”

83. “People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”

84. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

85. “I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”

86. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

87. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

88. “If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? ”

89. “Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”

90. “Electricity is really just organized lightning”

91. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?”

92. “Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”

93. “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?”

94. “Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.”

95. “When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”

96. “Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.”

97. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

98. “We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”

99. “Life is tough, then you die.”

100. “I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.”

101. “I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.”

102. “Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.”

103. “The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”

104. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”

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