Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh Out Loud

Looking for a laugh? Check out our latest blog post full of funny quotes! We’ve got something for everyone, so be sure to take a look. Whether you’re in the mood for a good laugh or just need a break from the everyday, our collection of funny quotes will do the trick.

funny quotes about life

Humor is the best way to deal with difficult situations and to break the ice in awkward moments. If you are looking for a good laugh, then check out these funny quotes and sayings. These funny quotes will have you laughing out loud.

If you’re looking for a laugh, you’ll find plenty of funny quotes and sayings to keep you entertained. These witticisms are perfect for making you smile, whether you’re reading them online, or sharing them with your friends.

There are all sorts of funny quotes to enjoy, and you’re sure to find something that will make you laugh. From jokes to one-liners, to hilariously sad truths, there’s something for everyone.

So why not take a few minutes to browse through some of these funniest quotes? We are sure you will find a few that make you chuckle, and that’s a good way to start your day.

44 Funny Quotes

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” – Rodney Dangerfield

2. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGenere

3. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield

4. “What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.” – Gena Showalter

5. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” – Anonymous

6. “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

7. “I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” – Jerome K. Jerome

8. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”- Lucille Ball

9. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” –  Cathy Guiswite

10. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell

11. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” – George Carlin

12. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama

13. “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

funny quotes

Funny quotes about life

14. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.” – Tom Stoppard

15. “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” – Paula Poundstone

 16. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller

17. “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” –  Mark Twain

18. “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” – Groucho Marx

19. “Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” – Jay Trachman

20. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost, and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path.” – Ellen DeGeneres.

21. “It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare.” – Lisa Lieberman-Wang

22.  “It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem.” – Malcolm Forbes

23. “You’re going to fall down, but the world doesn’t care how many times you fall down, as long as it’s one fewer than the numbers of times you get back up.” – Andy Sorkin

24. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” – Mitch Hedberg

Funny inspirational quotes

25. “Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.” – Dennis Miller

26. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” –  Lawrence Ferlinghetti

27. “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” – Edgar Bergen

28. “Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.” – John Green

29. “They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.” – John Green

30. “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”- Joan Rivers

31. “What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield

32. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.” – Rodney Dangerfield

33. “Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.” – Robert Benchley

funny senior quotes

34. “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” – Redd Fox

35. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” –  Will Rogers

36. “Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.” – C.E.M. Joad

Short funny quotes

37. “I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.” – Lauren Myracle

 38. “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” – Charlie Brown 

29. “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” –  Jerry Seinfeld

30. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

31. “Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” – Anonymous

32. “You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!” – James Dashner

33. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson

34. “You are graduating from college. That means that this is the first day of the last day of your life. No, that’s wrong. This is the last day of the first day of school. Nope, that’s worse. This is a day.” – Andy Samberg

35. “A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.” – Bill Cosby

36. “If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” – Dorothy Parker

37. “I don’t hate you.. I just don’t like that you exist” –  Gena Showalter

38. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” – Erma Bombeck

39. “If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark

40. “When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.” – Yogi Berra

 41. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers

 42. “The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.” – G.K. Chesterton

43. “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” – B. Birdsong

44. “Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby-awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” – Lemony Snicket

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